


Change In Me

by xspike4evax



Series: Beauty and The Beast [3]
Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-24
Updated: 2015-08-24
Packaged: 2018-04-17 01:00:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4646460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xspike4evax/pseuds/xspike4evax
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A  little drink brings things to a head for Spike & Willow.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Change In Me

**Change in Me**

The party was in full swing behind her, beer flowing, people dancing, laughing, generally having a good time, Willow stepped through the knot of people by the door and made her escape into the cool night air. She leant against the railing and turned to look at the house with its flashing lights and blaring music; she suddenly felt very old and tired and Willow knew why. It wasn’t that her young energetic body couldn’t keep up with the nights activities, it was just that she didn’t want to. There was somewhere else she wanted to be.

_There's been a change in me_

_A kind of moving on_

Willow sighed quietly, if anyone had told her only a few weeks ago that she would be at a frat party and longing to be in a run down old crypt with a vampire instead she would have laughed uproariously. It really would have been too funny. Except the reality of it wasn’t very funny. It was in fact, rather painful. It wasn’t the easiest thing to do, moving on in life while her friends stayed the same; happy to party the night away with people of their own age while she longed for the quiet, intellectual conversation of Spike. Willow groaned and ran a hand through her hair, it was a sorry state of affairs when a young girl like herself found people of her own age boring.

She’d always been a little older in the head than her age due to her upbringing and her own sharp mind, and Spike was definitely older than the boys…er… men she knew and he was smarter than most people she knew, probably with the exception of Giles. In high school she had always longed to be part of the in-crowd, to hang out with lots of friends and go to parties and now that she had that opportunity without high school politics holding her back Willow found she didn’t really want to be a part of that scene at all. She wanted to spend time with a centuries old vampire instead. One who had tried to kill her no less. Not once but twice!

“Oh, the heck with it!” Willow turned away from the party and hopped down the steps making a beeline for the campus exit.

Why should she have to stay and force a smile on her face and pretend she was having a good time when her heart and her mind were across Sunnydale in a broken down crypt. She might as well take her body there too and see if Spike was around. He could always use the company even if he pretended otherwise.

_Though what I used to be_

_I still depend upon_

Just as she reached the cemetery gates it occurred to Willow that it might not be the best of ideas to just drop into Spike’s crypt unannounced. Her fingers flexed nervously over the stake she held tightly in her hand as she made her slow way down the path. If he was in a bad mood it would be just like Spike to send her packing in as rude a way as he could possibly manage. Still, Willow squared her shoulders determinedly, she was going to see this through, after all, she’d come this far. Willow paused as another thought occurred to her, more of a memory really; Spike telling her and Xander how they would always be high schools losers and how they were too pathetic to really help Buffy. A frown creased her forehead for a moment as that insecure high school girl rose to the surface. She couldn’t bare it if Spike refused to let her into his crypt and slammed the door in her face.

She stood where she was for a few minutes chewing on her bottom and debating what to do. She had faced Angelus, Drusilla and Spike. She had faced praying mantis teacher and crazy hyena Xander. She had lived through her betrayal of Oz and his subsequent betrayal of her and his leaving her without a word of goodbye. And of course, she wasn’t going to forget the creepy mayor and the ascension. Her chin lifted defiantly, she had an inner strength that had stood her in good stead before and it wouldn’t let her down now. Determinedly, Willow ploughed on.

She reached Spike’s crypt without incident and it was only when she stood staring at his door that Willow realised that Spike might not even be at home. Her face arranged itself into disappointed lines. She knocked once and pushed open the door, she wouldn’t know if she loitered outside all night. “Spike?”

“What?”

Willow let out a breath of relief, he was home and sounded surly, she sighed quietly, it was just her luck that he would be in a bad mood. “Can I come in?”

“You’re already in.”

Willow sighed again and closed the door with some difficulty before heading deeper into the crypt where Spike sat on a ratty old sofa, a beer bottle in his hand, a cigarette smoking in an ashtray on the arm of the sofa and an Indiana Jones film on the TV.

“Am I disturbing you?”

Spike glanced up at her. “Would it make much of a difference if you were?” It was customary to be short with the annoying little humans, to let them know he tolerated them just as much as they tolerated him. Of course it wasn’t quite like that with Red, but he’d be damned if he’d let her know seeing her walk through the door had made his night.

“Yes,” Willow said. “If you don’t want me here then I’ll leave.”

Oh why had she bothered? Why had she come here to subject herself to this battering of her fragile heart? It was almost as though she had become addicted to the pain or something, she just had to put herself in situations where she could see him, be around him and leave herself open to attack by his sharp words that always knew just how to cut her to the quick.

“Didn’t say I didn’t want you 'ere,” Spike pointed out sulkily. “’Sides, you got here in one piece, stands to reason your luck won’t hold out an' you’ll get in trouble if you gotta walk home by yourself.”

“You’ll take me later then?”

Spike groaned inwardly, the silly little chit had no idea the images her innocent words conjured up in his head of her all warm and willing in his bed and him doing the taking. “Yeah.”

She smiled. “Thanks, Spike.”

He shrugged, striving for nonchalance and took a large gulp of beer. “What are you doin' 'ere anyway? Thought you 'ad a big campus party tonight. An' a date,” he added, unable to resist knowing about that even if it felt as though his heart had been pureed into paste.

“Oh,” Willow said flopping down next to him. “There wasn’t a date. I said I’d meet Riley’s friend but that’s it, there um, there wasn’t a date. No date just a friendly meeting. So… um, yeah, um, no date.”

Spike took another swig from his bottle to hide the smile that threatened to split his face in half.

“It could have been, a date I mean, but I didn’t want it to be a date.” Willow couldn’t seem to stop speaking and she had a sneaking suspicion in the dark corners of her mind that she may have drunk a little more than she had originally thought because she wasn’t usually this chatty around Spike. They talked yes, and had been known to have long conversations even, but they didn’t chat and she was chatting and couldn’t seem to stop herself. “I didn’t want to be at the party at all actually, which is why I decided to come here.”

Spike’s eyebrow quirked. “Oh yeah? Why 'ere, then?” He couldn’t imagine what her answer would be.

Willow huffed slightly. “Because….” She paused, “just because.”

He rolled his eyes and took a drag of his fag. “Think you might 'ave 'ad a little bit too much to drink, love.”

“I don’t feel drunk,” Willow said.

“I said only a little drink,” Spike pointed out. “Should 'ave guessed you’d be the type to talk non -stop you babble when your sober.”

“I don’t mean to,” Willow said.

Spike chuckled and stubbed out the glowing embers of his fag. “Just your nature, pet, nothin' you can do 'bout that.”

She huffed out a breath and sank further into the sofa. “Wish there was.”

“Shouldn’t change who you are, love.” There was no need to mention that he liked her just the way she was and certainly didn’t want her to change.

_For now I realize_

_That good can come from bad_

He would rather die all over again than admit it Willow knew, but Spike could be nice sometimes. He was nice to her. A strange thing to think about a demon who had come a hairs breath away from killing her, but there it was. There was good in him even if he would deny it to the last, there had to be good in a demon who could love the way Spike could. He had loved Drusilla for over a century and had done everything in his power, including coming to Sunnydale and taking on Angel and Buffy, to try and make her well again. Spike was evil there was no doubt about it, he had done despicable things in his time and left a trail of blood and death behind him as he travelled the world. But still, a tiny smile touched her lips, there was good in him, she had seen it. He was even good to her.

“I like you, Spike,” Willow’s smiled deepened and her hands curled around his arm as she rested her cheek on his shoulder and tried to focus her tired eyes on Harrison Ford.

_That may not make me wise_

_But oh it makes me glad_

Spike almost choked on his beer. “You do huh?”

“Hum,” she rubbed her cheek against his shoulder breathing in the scents of alcohol, smoke and Spike. “You smell good.”

He chuckled again, trying his level best not to read too much into her words, she was after all, ever so slightly tipsy. Still, there was that surge of hope that rose in his chest; didn’t the truth come out when a person was drunk? At least that was the saying and Spike found he was placing a lot of hope and faith in it at the moment.

“You look good too,” she murmured against his ear.

 Willow lifted her hand to trace his cheek bone but ended up poking him in the cheek instead, her hands felt really unsteady all of a sudden. Ahe hadn’t been this close to him in a long time and it made her nervous.

Her breath was warm whispering against his ear and Spike supressed a shudder of desire, he couldn’t control all aspects of his body however, and discreetly drew the folds of his duster across his lap.

Willow gave a soft sigh rubbing her cheek against the creaking supple leather of his coat. She loved this coat; it was a symbol of Spike, as much a part of him as his hair, his cheekbones, his accent. It was an extension of Spike himself and it comforted her, among other things. Unbidden she let out a little giggle at the thought and closed her eyes letting her mind wander into her many day dreams and fantasies of Spike. It probably wasn’t the best thing to do with him sitting right next to her, the strength of his arm pressed to her side, the shape of his shoulder beneath her cheek, the scent of him in her nose and the feel of him in her heart.

_I never thought I'd leave behind_

_My childhood dreams_

Her family life had never been what others would call normal, she’d had to fend for herself quite a lot growing up and had always been busy striving for the approval of her parents. Willow remembered sitting alone in her room as a child brushing out the auburn curls of her doll as her parents entertained friends and colleagues downstairs, she had vowed that she would never push her daughter aside, she would always let her daughter know how loved she was and never let her think she existed merely because it was the social convention to grow up, get married and have children. Later of course the shadowy face and figure of her imaginary husband had faded away and began to take shape; a Xander Harris shape to be exact and Willow had spent many a happy hour day dreaming about a life with Xander, imaging the moment she became Mrs Alexander Harris. Buffy’s arrival had thrown that carefully constructed life into chaos as she introduced, albeit unintentionally, Willow and Xander to a world within a world; a world of shadows and demons where the innocent suffered and needed protecting.

She and Xander had both vowed to help Buffy protect their home from would be supernatural invaders. And then Spike had arrived in Sunnydale to introduce her to a whole new world; a world of death and violence; a glittering world of blood and brutality, a dark world of danger and savagery. He was vicious and cruel and brought forth screams of terror on the night air; but he loved with an intensity that was all consuming and surprising in its discovery. Suddenly Willow found her daydreams had changed, the life she had carved out in her head had altered once before turning the face of her husband from Xander to Oz and now it shifted once again and the husband and house and children all disappeared to be replaced with Spike’s face.

_But I don't mind_

Willow wasn’t sure what a life with Spike would be like; but she wasn’t averse to finding out. The most powerful aspect of Spike was his ability to love, and Willow knew she had it in her to love just as deeply as he did; in fact, she was already there, her heart already full to the seams with love just for him.

_For now I love the world I see_

She glanced up at Spike and smiled, she didn’t care that he was a vampire, she didn’t care that he had a hideous reputation that spanned over a century, there was something about him that called to her; that touched something inside her Willow hadn’t even been aware of before. The fantasy life she had created in her head was somewhere she escaped to often but it didn’t compare with right now, tucked up beside Spike in his home where she could really touch him and feel his solid strength beneath her hand.

Lips pursed curiously, Willow reached out and touched the tip of her finger to his forehead and traced a line down his profile. He had a strong, classic profile, his viciousness concealed by striking blue eyes and thick lashes; his brutality hidden by the sensual line of his mouth, his beauty designed to capture and ensnare. How could any of his long line of victims not have gone to him willingly. She’d go to him willingly if given the chance.

Spike swallowed reflexively when her finger came to his mouth. His head tilted towards her so that he could see her better, the view from the corner of his eyes was extremely unsatisfactory. There was a look of intense concentration on her face but her eyes were bright and shining with alcohol and something else, something he hardly dared to believe he was seeing.

“Soft,” Willow murmured tracing his bottom lip which was ever so slightly fuller than the top one.

Spike said nothing, afraid to move in case the whole experience suddenly shattered around him and Spike really wanted to see where this was going. She was looking at him curiously the tip of her finger nestled at the corner of his mouth, but it was her racing heart that held his attention, it told him more than words ever could. There was no illusion, Willow knew exactly who and what Spike was, she knew what he had done and what he would continue to do if he got rid of the chip; but Willow found she wasn’t as bothered about that as she thought she probably should be. Love had always been something she was willing to give freely to anyone who deserved it, and even though what had happened to Spike lately didn’t cancel out what he had done in the past, Willow still felt as though he deserved to be loved and no-one would ever love Spike the way she did.

_No change of heart_

_a change in me_

Spike had to force himself to relax. He didn’t want his ridged posture to translate to Willow as rejection. He was as far from rejecting her as he could possibly get. He could hardly believe it was happening. Was it happening? Was he about to get what he wanted, what he had been thinking about, dreaming about, fantasizing about for the longest time? If his recent luck was anything to go by Spike would answer himself with a resounding “no”, but bugger it all to hell even his luck had to change some time. Perhaps tonight was the night the universe had decided to give him a bloody break, God knows he deserved it after the sodding initiative.

_For in my dark despair I slowly understood_

_My perfect world out there Had disappeared for good_

He’d had everything, the demon world at his feet, his reputation intact and preceding him wherever he went. Strong, powerful, deadly and completely without mercy he had travelled around the world going anywhere he pleased stalking his victims from the shadows, indulging in the desires of the dark, taking what he wanted, doing what he liked, killing anyone who opposed him, anyone who was a threat; anyone he felt like.

Then had come Sunnydale, his arrival born out of love, his residence in the hell hole longer than he would have liked but he stayed out of love. He had left because of love and returned out of love. Love had been the catalyst for all his troubles ever since Spike could remember, but his latest downfall, the destruction of his world and complete devastation of his life boiled down to human intervention and not even that of the Slayer.

That at least would have afford him some sort of dignity and allowed his pride to stay intact. There wouldn’t have been half the shame of falling to the Slayer as there was to everyday pointless, pathetic, puny little humans he could annihilate within moments.

Everything he was, everything he had known obliterated in an instant. The Slayer had no intention of helping him regain what he had lost, she preferred him this way, whipped, beaten down, cowed; at least that’s the way she saw him. His perfect life may have been stolen from him for now, but it wouldn’t always be this way. Spike was determined to regain his crown and rightful place in the world. Although how long it would take was anyone’s guess and Spike preferred not to think about that; it was just depressing.

His love for this one girl was also depressing. Would he never stop giving his heart away to women who simply didn’t love him back; although, tonight had taken a rather interesting and promising turn. Willow wasn’t the flirtatious type, she wasn’t the one-night stand type either, if she was showing an interest in him it had to mean something beyond the physical.

“I like you, Spike.”

Suddenly those four little words took on a different meaning and opened up a whole new possibility to his relationship with Willow.

“So you said, love,” he replied, resisting the urge to flick his tongue against the tip of her finger which still rested at the corner of his mouth.

_But in it's place I feel_

_A truer life begin_

“Well I do,” she insisted, her finger moving across his face until her palm cupped his cheek. Willow was aware, distantly, in some part of her brain that she was behaving completely out of character, that her inhibitions were lowered and she was acting out her inner most thoughts. Not desires, not yet; but definitely her inner most thoughts. She’d always wanted to touch Spike.

“I’m glad, love.” It was a ridiculous response to give but Spike was afraid to say anything else in case it blew up in his face.

She pursed her lips. “You like me too, don’t you, Spike? You said so.”

“I did?”

True his brain didn’t seem to be working quite as well as it could right at this moment, but Spike didn’t remember saying anything of the kind to her. She’d been doing most of the talking.

“Uh huh,” Willow nodded once to emphasise her point. She leant in close to him so that her lips once again brushed his ear when she spoke. “You said you wanted to bite me, isn’t that the same thing?”

Spike grinned, he remembered that night too. He remembered how she felt squirming about beneath him as he tried to sink his fangs into her neck. “Yeah love, it’s the same thing.”

She sat back and beamed at him. “I was right.”

“You were,” he agreed, marvelling at the warmth in his cheek her hand created.

Her voice dropped to a confidential whisper. “Sometimes I think about it.”

He looked confused. “You think about what?”

It was hardly what Spike would call a kiss, her lips merely brushed his, but he felt it all the way down to his toes which curled inside his boots.

“That’s a pretty innocent thought, pet,” he said, his tongue tucked into his cheek.

Willow blushed and caught her bottom lip between her teeth.

“If you’re gonna think about me love, do it right.” Sliding his fingers through her hair Spike lowered his mouth to hers. Her reaction was instantaneous; her arms flew around him, her lips parted eagerly and her kiss was like fire in his blood. Moaning in the back of her throat Willow’s fingers curled into the soft hair at the nape of his neck.

_And it's so good and real_

_It must come from within_

He let her up for air and Willow’s eyes fluttered opened glazed and dazed. She stared at him as though he were a mirage of some kind and then let her eyes drift shut. Spike had no difficulty in reading that invitation and he once again crushed her trembling lips beneath his, swallowing up her second moan of desire, savouring her surrender and feasting on the taste of her. He was a vampire. He was soulless. He had tried to kill her. All were marks against him but Willow didn’t seem to be holding a grudge. She wanted him as much as he wanted her.

It had to be uncertainty that had held her back this long just as it had with him; she was the Slayer’s best friend and he was the Slayer’s enemy, it was a tricky situation and Willow was also the type to agonise over what every little word and look and action really meant. She would always be wondering where this was going, worrying that it might end badly. Spike was determined to pulverize every doubt she might have about him.

Lifting his mouth from hers Spike was rewarded with the sound of a gasping breath. “Do you know what you’re doing, love?” he murmured against her mouth.

Willow’s stomach twisted over a red-hot skewer of longing, his voice; oh that voice, it vibrated with vitality, with virility, with deep dark depths of him which she had yet to discover. He did that thing with his mouth, his lips quirking to half smile half smirk and Willow’s knees turned to water and her fingers tightened their hold in his hair.

“The past is irrelevant now,” she replied.

Relief and excitement flooded him, demolishing what was left of his reason and reservations. He simply stared at her as though he were looking at everything beautiful about the world. He had always loved beauty whether it was out in the open for everyone to see or the subtle beauty of the expression of the written word. That had been his life once upon a time, looking for the right words to express the beauty of Cecily’s face and the beauty of the love that burned in his heart. He had failed miserably.

_I never thought I'd leave behind_

_My childhood dreams but I don't mind_

Even when he had turned he hadn’t completely given up trying to express the beauty of face and love but his object of desire had changed from Cecily to Drusilla. Even when he had discovered that Dru preferred the beauty of his sadistic nature to the beauty of his mind and heart Spike hadn’t completely given up his secret passion; he still dabbled with the written word when he was alone. He had once thought that he would marry and have a family and he had wanted to marry Cecily. That had not worked out quite the way he had wanted it to. He had ended up with a family, just not one with a wife and children. He’d become part of the most vicious family of vampire’s to walk the earth in the last two centuries. It hadn’t been his dream, it hadn’t been what he had expected out of life but he had revelled in it and built himself a reputation to last.

_I'm where and who I want to be_

If he’d had what he’d wanted, if he had lived out the life he had dreamt for himself then he would not be here now, he would not be holding Willow in his arms, a woman who knew who and what he was and had still come to him. His lips brushed across her jawbone, his head gently nudging hers to the side as his mouth travelled down her throat to her pulse. Drawing the soft flesh into his mouth, feeling her pulse fluttering rapidly against his tongue Spike sucked hard. Willow gave a small cry at the first hot pull of his mouth on her skin, arching into him her head falling back giving him licence to take, to own. He could love and he could love deeply. He would show her, Spike thought as he brought his mouth back to hers for another searing kiss. By the time the pink rays of dawn touched the horizon Willow would know what it was like to be loved by Spike and William the Bloody Awful Poet.

_No change of heart_

_A change in me_


End file.
